Crossing my fingers and holding on tight. Off we go. I've found a piece of myself that a lost at some point and it is as if it was never missing at all, but instead was there all along. Gone are the thoughts of regret for things that are better left in past replaced instead with the joyous reunion with my other. A pair of eye that reflect my vision of the world. The muse of muses. I am a fool, and I want never to be learned again.

*blink*

Have you were considered that we are molecules in a single celled organism that makes up all existence? If not, would you ever consider considering that within a blink of time we live and die, planets spin and then collide, the heavens shake when we shed our tears, and it really is as beautiful as we'd always feared. Within that instant it all can change from good to bad then back again. Somewhere in our hearts we hold the key, to everything we dare to dream. Just a thought.

Wish Me Luck

I've become accustomed to the slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune. Gale force winds that have blown everything I thought to be a certainty away as if they never existed at all. Each time left with only myself standing, and the the weight of the world so heavy upon my shoulders that to keep my feet, much less take another step, seemed as much a act of faith as it did some foreign variety masochism in which I was unaware. When these times come you typically grasp at any comfort within reach, real or imaginary. Telling yourself there is a reason for this, there is a lesson to be learned here if only you could see from a higher vantage. What ever reason existed or lesson there was to be gleaned during those times I couldn't recite, but without them I am certain I would not be here. And here is a very good place. Each time I allow myself this glimmer of hope I feel myself quickly recoil as an abused dog does when offered a generous hand. It is my hope that once that hand is offered frequently enough and with the same outcome that hope will grow to love, and the prison in which I've dwelt for so long will instead be my castle. I play a dangerous game when I place all that I am, and hope to be, within this vessel and send it to uncertain waters. As with a step of faith, to reach those gold shores one must first cast off without looking back and believe such a place exists and waits for you on the other side. I do, and I am casting off.

#4

I rage with my mind that's stuck in rewind,
today is the day that was here just before.
Over the same ground like a merry-go-round,
the ride only stops when you put your foot down.

Too nervous to say just what I mean,
so I smile instead and return to my knees.
When I was young I was bold and undone,
the world could not hold two just like me.

The river still runs so the hawk must still fly,
and time is the illusion to which we subscribe.
The moment is now and as it was just before,
stand and take heed of what's worth fighting for.

Lying in bed in this prolonged moment in time,
your bones are now worn from picking the vine.
All possessions you'd give to put your foot down,
but time has a way of chewing and spitting us out.

Awesome Dream

So, I ended up sleeping on a friends spare bed the last two nights. Both nights I had extremely vivid dreams. Of course, now that I've been awake those dreams have increasing become elusive. This morning reminded me of a puzzle game in which my sub-conscience seemed to know all the answers. As a read the instructions to my next puzzle I woke up unfortunately. Before this a very large creature stood blocking my path. I was required to climb several shelves and after emitting what can only be described as a call the creature became noticeably annoyed. It brought one of its enormous fist down upon the shelves. They fly up and stuck the creature and it fell to the ground. I advanced. Bizarre dreams.

Hello Again

Well, as was expected I neglected my poor forgotten weblog to the point of abandonment. So much has happened since the last time I posted to this that it is hard to even remember all of it. So many thoughts and observations have passed by that it is hard to speak in anything but generalities at the moment. I've let go of a long standing entanglement with the person that knows me best in this world only to find myself in a sea on loneliness and despair, and to accompany that are bed fellows, anger and confusion. A perfect concoction of ingredients to cause me to be apparently unbearable as it is hard to find company that will tolerate me for long. I think that maybe they can smell it on me as I, per usual, don't speak of such ideas in anything but a riddle that I wish never to be solved. I once thought I was a loner, but as time continues I realize what it truly means to be a loner. It isn't a decision you make, but rather one that is made for you by those you encounter throughout the journey. I see all those around me grasping to each other to quell their fears of progressing years, their fears of solitude, and I understand, but I see etched in their faces the consequences of their labors of love. I see the fear that still lingers just under the surface around their tired eyes and in their plastered rehearsed smiles. So rare is the genuine that you could search a lifetime for its fleeting glow and only feel its illumination upon your face but a handful of times. Too often in the form of despair than in the helpless smile of an infant at its returning mother. How unexpected its arrival that one must take note and then doubly check to confirm the authenticity of such welcomed feelings. Gravitating instead to the other side of human nature. The more familiar part of human nature as seen on television. This is the side I know, and trust, as it is the only side that when it strikes me across the face I do not doubt its authenticity. A sample of my thoughts twisted with the effort of words. I spoke such sentiments off in sound only yesterday and found sweet reprieve for a time, but as with all things persistence eventually wins out. Such thoughts gnaw at my center slowly carrying away whats left of my humanity until the only thing that remains is a question. What about today?

6. Ode

We are the music makers,
And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
And sitting by desolate streams;—
World-losers and world-forsakers,
On whom the pale moon gleams:
Yet we are the movers and shakers
Of the world for ever, it seems.

-Arthur O'Shaughnessy

When the Dark Came to Town

Riding upon the fears of the tide,
the broken world lent a watchful eye.

Feigning love with etched smile so false,
tormented were its thoughts, of course.

Played upon were their dreams so frail,
that smiles glint as all hope failed.

And as the tide does always break,
so too did their spines in the wake.

For the free did shout a call of cheer,
as liberty gave way to tyrannical fear.

-me

Odd Observation

All my web-log posts have either been on a Sunday or a Tuesday. Weird.

Explosion Poem

Greet death with light,
the moon is down as night passes.
The poor man's memory of light,
with tired eyes the world slept.
-me

(deep or just vague, you decide)